Seriously! Seriously!!!!!!

Yes this will turn into a rant. I know no one every promised me life would be easy...and no one sure as hell ever promised that parenting would be easy. Today is one of those days...I wish it wasn't just me...I wish I didn't have to make the decisions. I wish I didn't HAVE to be the bad guy. I wish my son wasn't hurting as much as he is...and I wish he didn't know that I want to give him everything he wants in the hopes that maybe it will help him stop hurting.
Part of his issue is my fault I told him I would go on his field trip with him. This morning I woke up with a massive headache that was making nauseous. So i told him, I would go but I would go later. That wasn't good enough for him. So the tears started. He got calmed down when we got into school I told him I would be back when I felt better. So i called to check up on him and they said he was doing fine. About 10 minutes later they called and said I needed to come get him he wasn't going to make it. So I went up there...the kid openly admitted to me that he was throwing a fit cause he wanted his way. When I asked him if he was his kid and acted this way would he let his kid go. His reply was "no, but I am your kid." Well there was my answer. As much as it broke my heart I told hime no he wasn't going.
So now I am at home with him while he throws a fit. He's really trying for the shock factor...he's trying so hard. I have to admire his tenacity.
He ran away... so I let him go and told him I loved him. He ran down the driveway...and he made it about a mile or two down the road. I went and got the dog under the auspices that he needed to have the dog with him for protection...but in truth I needed to be there for him. He came home once the mail lady came through...
So I am blogging...maybe one day he'll read this and understand that I want him to go on his field trip now probably as bad as he wants to go. It's all I can do not to get up and take him...but being the good parent not the liked parent...I know I can't....ugh I hate having to dig my heals in...but they are dug...

this is somewhere I never expected to be.

So I am a single mom. A divorced woman. A year ago if some little fortune teller had told me this is where I would be in a year...I would have laughed, I would have told that fortune teller to get a new job, because they were crazy. But here I am. My whole life turned upside down. I have made it out on the other side. I can't say I have made it unscathed, but I have made it. Well so far.
Now starts the daunting task of raising my children alone, and not losing myself in the process. I am already exhausted. My kids are great, yet their world has been turned upside down too. So they are adjusting. I was never a decision maker, now the decisions are all mine. There is something exciting and VERY scary about that. I have spent 12 years kind of living someone elses dream. Now it's my time... and I have no idea what it is that I want. There are things that spike my interest. But the idea of doing them scares me. There are things that I know God expects out of me, but right now my faith is severely lacking...so I'm a little lost.
As scared as I am... and as dark as I feel right now, there are things I know about me that gives me hope. I am a survivor. Somehow when things really suck, it takes a long time but I find my way out and usually come out better. I am a fighter....when I have to be. It takes alot but I can fight if I need to. Usually when it has to do with my kids...I have a very strong mama bear in me. Most importantly God has plans for me. Some of those has come to fruition, but I have to believe that he has more, better plans for me. He gave me Jeremiah 29:11 years and years ago at a very dark time in my life...and I still cling to that today. "for I know the plans I have for you, says the lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." So I am waiting, for those plans...waiting til life is a little sunnier, and trying to make happy moments where I can.