Seriously! Seriously!!!!!!

Yes this will turn into a rant. I know no one every promised me life would be easy...and no one sure as hell ever promised that parenting would be easy. Today is one of those days...I wish it wasn't just me...I wish I didn't have to make the decisions. I wish I didn't HAVE to be the bad guy. I wish my son wasn't hurting as much as he is...and I wish he didn't know that I want to give him everything he wants in the hopes that maybe it will help him stop hurting.
Part of his issue is my fault I told him I would go on his field trip with him. This morning I woke up with a massive headache that was making nauseous. So i told him, I would go but I would go later. That wasn't good enough for him. So the tears started. He got calmed down when we got into school I told him I would be back when I felt better. So i called to check up on him and they said he was doing fine. About 10 minutes later they called and said I needed to come get him he wasn't going to make it. So I went up there...the kid openly admitted to me that he was throwing a fit cause he wanted his way. When I asked him if he was his kid and acted this way would he let his kid go. His reply was "no, but I am your kid." Well there was my answer. As much as it broke my heart I told hime no he wasn't going.
So now I am at home with him while he throws a fit. He's really trying for the shock factor...he's trying so hard. I have to admire his tenacity.
He ran away... so I let him go and told him I loved him. He ran down the driveway...and he made it about a mile or two down the road. I went and got the dog under the auspices that he needed to have the dog with him for protection...but in truth I needed to be there for him. He came home once the mail lady came through...
So I am blogging...maybe one day he'll read this and understand that I want him to go on his field trip now probably as bad as he wants to go. It's all I can do not to get up and take him...but being the good parent not the liked parent...I know I can't....ugh I hate having to dig my heals in...but they are dug...

this is somewhere I never expected to be.

So I am a single mom. A divorced woman. A year ago if some little fortune teller had told me this is where I would be in a year...I would have laughed, I would have told that fortune teller to get a new job, because they were crazy. But here I am. My whole life turned upside down. I have made it out on the other side. I can't say I have made it unscathed, but I have made it. Well so far.
Now starts the daunting task of raising my children alone, and not losing myself in the process. I am already exhausted. My kids are great, yet their world has been turned upside down too. So they are adjusting. I was never a decision maker, now the decisions are all mine. There is something exciting and VERY scary about that. I have spent 12 years kind of living someone elses dream. Now it's my time... and I have no idea what it is that I want. There are things that spike my interest. But the idea of doing them scares me. There are things that I know God expects out of me, but right now my faith is severely lacking...so I'm a little lost.
As scared as I am... and as dark as I feel right now, there are things I know about me that gives me hope. I am a survivor. Somehow when things really suck, it takes a long time but I find my way out and usually come out better. I am a fighter....when I have to be. It takes alot but I can fight if I need to. Usually when it has to do with my kids...I have a very strong mama bear in me. Most importantly God has plans for me. Some of those has come to fruition, but I have to believe that he has more, better plans for me. He gave me Jeremiah 29:11 years and years ago at a very dark time in my life...and I still cling to that today. "for I know the plans I have for you, says the lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." So I am waiting, for those plans...waiting til life is a little sunnier, and trying to make happy moments where I can.

So....Let's tame it down a bit.

I apologize for the intensity of my last blog. Lots of opinions that needed to be expressed. So for today I am going to tell the story of Jake, Marble and Midnight. A cautionary tale.
Yesterday we went for a barbecue at Chett's cousin Jen's house. Jake and Jen have a farm...cows, chickens, horses...and bunnies. It's like a kid wonderland. All the animals, and toys, and vehicles, and room to roam. It's great. We all love going there.
So kali spent the weekend there and was riding horses all weekend, and as soon as we got there the other two kids disappeared. Somehow it was brought up that Jen had same bunnies she needed to get rid of. So the kids asked Chett if they could have one. Unbeknownst to me Chett had said "if it's ok with your mom, it's ok with me." So when I was asked I replied "If it's ok with your dad it's ok with me." Not knowing that I was supposed to be the tough one. So we went and picked out Jake.... who was going to be our only bunny. Then we saw the Cage that jen was going to let us use...so Chett said "well we can get two." Grandpa then added "Chett you have three kids."
So Marble and Midnight were quickly picked out.
So the lesson here... don't bluff to your kids if you don't know that your husband already has... The funny thing is, that the kids really didn't play us, they just asked a question...
I think maybe chett and I really like bunnies... and that is why we now have three.

hmm really it's been over a year?!

Ok so I am going to start this out by saying I used to blog EVERYDAY...but apparently that was a lifetime ago. The second narcissistic comment I am going to say is that I enjoy reading my own blogs almost as much as other peoples...how bad is that? And the funny thing is that according to blog spot, I have one follower, so I am wondering if they enjoy my blogs also?
So what has prompted me to end my year long silence and jump back into the blogging foray... I have an opinion, that has been itching to get out for weeks now I guess. Let me first start by saying this so we are all clear...me and my one reader ;). I am a born again, washed in the blood, baptized by immersion, hands in the air, praising Jesus, Christian. I am not a perfect person. Ok I am nowhere near perfect, I am not a perfect Christian. And deep down I really think that Jesus is sad over some of the things that I do. I have moments, or possibly hours of stupidity... I sometimes picture God and Jesus smacking their collective foreheads and saying "what the hell was she thinking." But I know that I am saved by Grace, not works, and that my father in heaven created me and knows all of my faults and loves me anyway. Do you know how wonderful that is. Do you know that for this girl, who has these perfectionistic, almost OCD tendencies, that tries so hard for everyone to love her, it is incredibly freeing to know that there is one being I don't have to impress, that loves me warts and all? Ok two...because my dog loves me too. LOL
So the thing that has been bothering me is that knowing that my daddy God loves me even though I have no reason to deserve it, why there are other Christians that feel as though they deserve the love of the father more than others. We are ALL saved by grace, every one of us. So how pretentious is it for my fellow Christians to imply that others of the faith, or not of the faith are not entitled to that same grace?
Jesus himself said that the greatest commandment was to love one another. His other commandment was to go out into all the world and preach the good news. And folks that good news was not that Jesus died for me and only me, and that because of that I am perfect. That good news is that Jesus died for us all, and we ALL can be made perfect through him.
SO my point is stop spreading HATE in the name of Christ. Doing things in the name of God or Christ that is showing hate toward someone is not what Jesus would have done. I am not a big fan of the WWJD bracelets because I am of the opinion that Jesus would not have worn one.
I do know that Jesus would not have prayed for the death of the leader of his country. In fact when the leader of his country was going to kill him, Jesus prayed for the strength to handle it. I know that Jesus would not have bombed Abortion clinics or murdered doctors who performed them. I know that Jesus would have not put signs in his yard that says "God hates fags." I know that Jesus would not have condoned the murder of six million Jews. I know this because I know that Jesus was the living breathing example of Gods unconditional love. God does not hate "fags" or doctors who perform abortions, or Jews, or even President Obama.
God does hate their sin, just as he hates my sin. My sin is no better or worse than anyone elses, so I have no right to hate anyone. Especially in the name of God...so maybe I should break out the WWJD bracelet....

Hello, My name is Christine and I am addicted to obituaries...

I know it's morbid. Very morbid. It started out innocently enough. A glance here and there to see if anyone I know or knew had passed. Then I got my first nursing job...it became a more often than here or there thing. Move to my second nursing job... now I am hooked.
I see people most of the time at the end of their life, and unfortunately they become their disease, their meds, or their complaints. It would be nice to say that I have time to learn more about these people while they are still alive. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I have maybe five minutes to spend with a resident here or there, to just talk. Most of the time it's patient care, or giving them pills.
So when someone passes on that I knew from the nursing home I will obsessively search for their obit. (ok so when I say I knew them it means I've given them pills or taken care of them in some form or another). When I read their obit I am facinated by the little tiny glance of the person they were before they were the peg tube in room 8, or the diabetic in room 6, or the stroke in room 10.
The thing I REALLY like about obituaries is that they usually focus on the good, or major accomplishments in a persons life. I figure i have seen these people in their most vulnerable state, after their lives have been put into half a room, and they have lost alot of their former abilities. To me it's nice to know that the peg tube in room 8 was once a carpenter, or the diabetic in room 6 is a retired nurse, or the stroke in room 10 spent her life raising many children who are now successful members of society.
I'd like to think that me reading about them after they are gone is a way to honor them. Although I could just be nosey.
I've gotten away from reading only obits from people I have worked with now...I read other ones that spark my interest...people i've never heard of. People are just plain facinating, and so is what people say about them after they have left this world.

Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.

Most of you know that my husband has recently been diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Which is a whole lifestyle change and alot of adjustments. You also know that he has served in the United states military in some form for the past 14 years.
Yesterday my husband was told that his last day serving our country would be march 1 2009. They are medically discharging him due to his diabetes and what they call the "inablity to be deployed" He had a chance for an appeal but he needs his commanders backing, and the chance for a non deployable position. His commander told him yesterday that he would be unable to back him because of the lack of a non deployable position.
But to add insult to injury, Chett was told that he can't get a retirement because he's not been there for 15 years. It's a pretty hard time for us. i feel very bad for chett.

A Pox on your house! er...I mean my house

So I had an incredibly long day yesterday. Which included alot of driving, a funeral, a visit with my grandma, and a meeting at work. In the midst of my nice visit with my grandma I got a text message from my husband (who was good enough to stay home from work with my kids so I could go galavanting all over the state.) The text message read "Aria is in touble" My thoughts were...um what's new. This was followed by another text message "bad bad trouble, I am worried" so then my thoughts moved onto "oh great she's done something bad enough to have my husband get worried" but thinking further I thought "well she's three what kind of trouble can there be surely the police aren't involved"
Then another message "we are taking her to the doctor tomorrow" which induced a state of panic in me. I am the OCD one with the kids' health, i have to talk myself out of taking them to the doctor for a hang nail. (yes I do realize I have a problem). So I called him. He tells me he thinks Aria has the chicken pox. So my grandma told me to tell him to put her in the tub it will bring more out. Apparently she went into the tub with three spots and came out with about 30-50.
So I leave grandma's go to my work meeting and then to wal mart for the essentials: calamine lotion, oatmeal and knee high stockings (to put the oatmeal in for oatmeal baths), oh and gloves, to stop her from scratching.
I get home the poor kid is miserable. Spots everywhere. Then she says it hurts when she pees..sure enough...the spots are EVERYWHERE!
So I take her to the doctor this morning ( the last time I saw chicken pox is when I had them at the age of 7). She does in deed have the Pox. Poor baby.
I thought she had the chicken pox vaccine. But upon a closer look at her vaccination records, she never got the vaccine. The doc offered to put her on an antiviral med...but then said it really won't help...so she is home lying on the couch watching She-Ra.
Poor baby!